Category: Life Skills

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Forgiveness and Trust Are Not the Same Thing

Betrayal happens. That’s a tragic reality. It occurs in marriages, families, churches, and in the workplace. Nevertheless, our experience teaches us that not all betrayal is felt equally. The betrayal of a spouse is much more profound than when the coworker in the next cubicle takes credit for your hard work. Why? Because pain is directly proportionate to intimacy.

Pain is directly proportionate to intimacy.

I’m a Christ-follower, so I believe forgiveness is non-negotiable. The Bible makes it abundantly clear–“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” We’ve all been hurt by someone, and we’ve all hurt someone. Of course, we tend to measure the failures of others on a different scale than our own. We want mercy for ourselves and judgment for others. Most of us understand this; we simply struggle with the application–me included.

However, the primary focus of this article isn’t about forgiveness. It’s about what we do after we forgive (understanding that forgiveness is an ongoing process). Let’s assume we’ve forgiven the offending party–now what?

Let’s assume we’ve forgiven the offending party–now what?

I’ve forgiven the person in question. Does this mean I now have to trust them? The short answer is no, but we all know it isn’t that simple. Forgiveness is often misunderstood and wrongly applied in the church. Does the woman whose husband has cheated on her need to forgive him? Yes (as much for her sake as his), but that doesn’t require that she remain with him. Does the individual whose boss has repeatedly taken credit for his or her work need to forgive the offender? Yes. But they don’t need to keep working for that person or company.

The missing ingredient is trust. Betrayals may occur in a moment (though the thought process leading up to them is never instantaneous), but restoring trust will require a process.

I spent hours on the phone last night with a man who felt betrayed by the leaders under which he serves and the organization to which he has given years of his life. The essence of what he said is, “This feels gross.” And it did. He felt stuck. He knew he needed to forgive, but like most of us at one time or another, he was struggling to do so; however, the bigger question was, “Is this going to continue to happen?” His assumption was yes.

When we separate the emotions from the situation (which can be hard to do and may require a wise, trusted friend or counselor to assist with the mental processing), he has a few questions to answer and then act upon.

–Do you trust your leader enough to continue serving under their leadership?

–If no, you have a couple more questions to answer. Do you enjoy or feel a strong enough calling to your work to remain and put up with the situation even if it never changes? If yes, you need to forgive, do what you can to rebuild trust (understanding that your opportunities to do so might be limited because of the imbalance of power), then put your head down and do the work you’re called to do.

–If you don’t trust the leader, you must ask, “Do I trust the organization enough to stay?” You’re trying to determine whether your leader is an anomaly or part of a systemic problem. If the former, consider moving to another department. If the latter, you need to consider a change of employment seriously.

If you, like me, are a Christ-follower, this feels complicated and, as my friend put it, “gross.” We ask ourselves and God, “Why should I be the one who has to leave?” And that’s a good question. In truth, we don’t have to leave, but I also don’t think we must stay. There are generally multiple opportunities out there through which we can fulfill our calling.

All of this comes down to trust. Forgiveness isn’t an option for us. God has forgiven those who come humbly to Him seeking a new life in Christ; however, trust is a different issue. You may forgive but then determine that the person in question is untrustworthy. When that’s the determination, you need to move on.

If you want to dive deeper into this subject, I highly recommend two books by Dr. Henry Cloud.

In my opinion, Trust, Dr. Cloud’s newest offering, is the best book on the subject.

If you’re trying to decide if it’s time to move on, I suggest picking up a copy of Necessary Endings.

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What’s the One Observable Quality of Those Who Lead Well?

I’ve had the privilege to serve under and beside some highly-skilled leaders (and a few lousy ones). I’ve even had the fantastic opportunity to lead some amazing leaders-in-the-making. Interestingly, each brought their unique talents and personality to the leadership table. No two of them led the same. Some had big, over-the-top personalities, and some were quite reserved. A few were dynamic communicators, and a few were boring when speaking to a group. Some were natural visionaries, while others were more built vision through a participatory process. Some were men, and some were women. They were of different races and ages. The only universal trait I found in top-tier leaders was they were always working to improve not only the organization but themselves. They were committed to personal growth.

From my observations, here’s what they thought about learning.

They are committed to life-long learning.

As I mentioned earlier, the quality leaders I observed were passionate about learning regardless of where they were in life. The ones that impressed me were the older ones who demonstrated their commitment to life-long learning daily. After all, these individuals were closer to the end of their careers than they were to the beginning, but this didn’t stop them from learning. There was an attractive humility in their understanding that there was a lot they didn’t know.

They are curious about a variety of topics.

These men and women enjoyed gathering knowledge from many disciplines. Yes, they read books related to leadership, but they made efforts to learn about the social and natural sciences, history, current events, economics, and projections related to future trends. In short, they loved to learn.

They aren’t utilitarian in their approach to learning.

This is tied to the previous observation, but it’s worth separating it as its own point. Some people are learners on a need-to-know basis, but these high-end leaders don’t just learn because they have a knowledge gap related to their work. These people learn because they value learning.

They love to share what they learned with others.

These people are generous with what they learn. They don’t just learn because they’re curious. They don’t just learn because they value information. They not only care about knowledge, they care about people, and they want to see them learn too.

They appreciated all forms of learning.

John Maxwell is well known for saying, “Leaders are readers.” While I value reading, I think the more accurate version of this statement is “Leaders are learners.” These people understand that there are many ways to learn and don’t limit themselves to a single approach. They learn from conversations, personal observations, podcasts, audiobooks, print books, online and in-person courses, YouTube, websites, etc.

They were good at applying what they learned to how they were leading.

Finally, they’re good at taking information from disparate sources and making applications in other contexts. They can see lessons in history, how future trends might impact their industry, how others are applying what they learn, etc. In short, they’re not only constantly learning, but they’re smart enough to know that knowledge has multiple applications.

Some might read this and point to the other skills required to lead well. And I would agree with them. Good leaders have a toolbox full of valuable skills. My point is this. If you’re a life-long learner who practices the approach outlined above, you can learn those skills with time and practice.

So, are you committed to growing yourself? I know I am!

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What’s the Difference Between Being a “Bad Leader” and Leading Badly?

It may feel like I’m parsing words, but I think there’s a difference between someone being a bad leader and leading badly. Can someone lead poorly without being a bad leader? The distinction I’m trying to make here (which might be a distinction without a difference) is that someone can be a lousy leader as it relates to the actual job of leading and still be a generally good person. I think the flip side of this issue is also accurate, and that is, in today’s world, a person may be morally rotten but still be seen as a good leader–or at least a successful one. And yes, this applies to those on both sides of the secular-sacred divide.

Before I discuss what I mean by bad leadership, I need to define my understanding of good leadership and what traits we generally look for in a good leader. Here’s my general understanding of what defines a good leader–character, competence, and consistency.

1.            Character—I live and work in the faith domain, so one of the common questions I hear relates to assessing whether they are deeply committed to Jesus. That’s important, but honestly, that ought to be a minimum for even getting in the door as it relates to serving in a faith organization. Character is more than being honest or having other traits associated with personal integrity. Here again, those should be minimum requirements. Having character also includes questions like “Do they empower those on their team? Are they more concerned about the welfare of those on their team than their personal agenda? Are they empathetic? Is he or she a servant-leader, or do they expect to be shown honor? Are they able to separate noble mandates from their personal ambition? The list could go on, but you get the point.

2.            Competence–Checking the character box is essential but not enough. We must also ask, “Are they competent?” We’ve all been in situations where we knew someone who deeply loved Jesus and displayed moral integrity but were utterly incompetent in their role. Most people who lack competence also lack self-awareness, so they may not be aware of their lack of competence. I would love it if the pilot on my next flight out of Denver deeply loves Jesus and his faith overflows into how he lives his life; however, besides being a faithful Christian, I want him to be competent. After all, I’m trusting my life into his hands. When we think of leadership in these terms, we understand that competence is crucial.

3.            Consistency—This is demonstrating the above over time—demonstrating a proven track record, which eventually positively impacts one’s reputation.

“If a person is high in character and competence and they have been doing it for a while, you can trust that they will probably do a good job where they’re currently serving. If they are high character but low competence, it will eventually harm your reputation in the community and hurt your organizational culture. If they are low character but highly competent, the organization will probably see temporary success, but “a day of reckoning” is usually around the corner. If a person is high in character and competence and they have been doing it for a while, you can trust that they will probably do a good job where they’re currently serving. If they are high character but low competence, it will eventually harm your reputation in the community and hurt your organizational culture. If they are low character but highly competent, the organization will probably see temporary success, but “a day of reckoning” is usually around the corner.

So, a lack of competence leads to bad leadership, and a lack of character is a trait of a bad leader. I don’t think we have to make this compromise. It’s possible to find highly competent people with high moral character. When those people wind up in the right roles, they are usually consistent, which leads to long-term success for the organization.

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It’s Easier for Us because It Was Incredibly Difficult for Them (The Truth about Pioneering)

I love the mountains. I love looking at them, hiking over them, driving through them, taking pictures of them…well, you get the point. I love them in the fall when the aspens are fire-yellow. I love them in the winter when they’re covered in snow. I love them in the spring when they are as green as a southern suburban lawn. And yes, I love them in the summer when the meadows are full of wildflowers. In case I wasn’t clear–I love the mountains.

I can walk onto my back deck and look at Pikes Peak–“America’s Mountain.” Looking at it never gets old. When I drive home from visiting family in Missouri, I can see the top of the mountain from 70 miles away on a clear day. That view stirs warm feelings in my heart, but I’m sure it was not the same for those early pioneers. Why? Because their perspective was very different than mine.

What I think of as home, they thought of as a terrible obstacle to their future. After all, people died trying to cross those mountains. They had made plans for a life on the other side of those mountains, but in the earliest days, there were no roads. As more and more people made the trek to California, the ease of traversing the Rockies got easier. Today, with a decent car and anything other than blizzard weather conditions, you can make it from one side of the mountains to the other in just over two hours.

I often hear those in Christian ministry talk about pioneering. I applaud their hearts for making followers of Jesus everywhere, but we must remember that there are few places we’ll go today where someone hasn’t already gone. As I mentioned, I love hiking in the mountains, and some of those trails are difficult. But…there are trails. The existence of a trail indicates that someone was there before you. And, here’s one undeniable fact, it was harder for them than for me.

So, while it’s good for us to think about pioneering, let’s have the humility to remember that while the modern-day version of that activity might be difficult, there was a time when it was much more challenging. And remember that the same One who sustained them will sustain us if we stay humble and dependent.

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Don’t Give Up When Growth Comes Slow

There have been many times in my 60 years of life when I came to the abrupt and uncomfortable understanding that I had a real growth need. At times it was a relational need–realizing I didn’t know how to be a good husband, dad, son, or friend. At other times it was professional as I crashed and burned in my efforts at work. And then there were (are) those times when I discovered I’m not the spiritual man I thought I was.

There seem to be at least three options when I come to these uncomfortable realizations. The first is to deny reality. This one never goes well, but it’s the go-to response for many people. The next alternative is to acknowledge an issue but put off dealing with it. Lastly, we can choose to do the hard work required for growth. I could end here, but you wouldn’t have what you need to move forward. So, let me dive deeper into the second and third responses above.

We waited over a year to see any growth on this plant, and then all of a sudden, it just showed up.
We waited over a year to see any growth on this plant, and then suddenly, several new shoots appeared.

I can think of at least three reasons I tend to put off dealing with a growth need.

1. I’m a natural procrastinator. I hate this trait, but I can’t fix what I can’t name. The good news is that by putting the proper systems in place, I can avoid (mostly) letting my procrastination get the best of me.

2. I don’t have the emotional energy necessary to grow. I don’t know about you, but when I feel emotionally depleted, I discover that my capacity for the hard work necessary for growth tends to decrease.

3. I feel emotionally and relationally isolated, exacerbating my lack of emotional energy. This doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s more like a slow-leaking tire. I don’t give it the attention it needs, and suddenly it is no longer there to serve me.

4. Finally, I don’t know how to fix the problem. This symptom seems to show up when I’m under stress. When I’m in the normal flow of life and work, I quickly go to resources for help. Books, how-to clips on YouTube, podcasts, websites, etc., are my best (non-human) friends. But…when I’m under stress, my brain, which is usually pretty good at problem-solving, can just shut down. I remember once when my wife told me we had a lot of water in the cabinet under our sink. While our house wasn’t new, it was new to us. I was worried about the water ruining the cabinet, creating stress. On top of this, I was working from home during this period, and fixing the yet-to-be-discovered problem would take me away from my work. I discovered a hole in our garbage disposal, made a quick trip to the local Home Depot to buy a replacement, returned home, and went to work on replacing the unit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make heads or tails out of the directions. I’m pretty sure the same person wrote these directions that write assembly instructions for IKEA. You know what I mean if you’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to assemble a complicated piece of IKEA furniture. The more I struggled, the more stressed I got, and the more stressed I became, the less able to come up with a solution I seemed to be. Finally, I stepped away from the project for a few minutes (which probably involved drinking coffee). And suddenly, I remembered that my old friend YouTube probably had a video of someone dealing with the same issue. It did, and within minutes, I was finished, my mess was cleaned up, and I was back to work. When you’re facing a problem and can’t find a solution, the best thing you can do is walk away for a few minutes. This isn’t procrastination. You’re giving your brain space to find a solution.

As I wrap up this post, I want to address one characteristic of the growth process. It takes time. This takes me to the title of this article. When we don’t feel like we’re growing in a desired area, we must be patient with ourselves and the process. Otherwise, we’ll abort the good work of growth we hope to see in our lives. Last year, while on a camping trip in southern Colorado, we found a broken cactus branch. The mother plant was a stately specimen, so we brought the branch home to see if we could give it a second life. It took a few weeks to root, but after a while, it was clear that it would survive. Unfortunately, it wasn’t growing. It survived the cold and snow of a Colorado winter and several hail storms this spring, but surviving isn’t the same as thriving. And then, all of a sudden, new grow shoots popped out all over the original stalk.

Perhaps you feel like you’ve been through the storms and drought of life. You may even be doing the hard work of growth, but nothing seems to be happening. Don’t lose hope. Growth may be slow, but it will eventually happen if you don’t quit.

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What I learned from Jeff Bezos and how he ran Amazon

Jeff Bezos recently announced that he would be stepping down later this year as the CEO of Amazon, the online retailer he started in his Seattle garage nearly 30 years ago. While Bezos doesn’t share my biblical values, I think there’s a lot I can learn from how he ran Amazon. Here are a few of my takeaways from how he managed his life and business. Most of these insights are positive. The last one is a mixed bag.

  1. Dream big. Act daring. Embrace risk—Amazon’s story is different than that of Apple, though both companies started in a garage. When the two Steves began making computers in the Jobs family garage, they had nothing to lose. They were both young and ambitious, but they weren’t walking away from anything to pursue their dream. That wasn’t the case for Bezos. In order for Amazon’s founder to pursue his dream, he had to leave his job as a senior vice president at D.E. Shaw, an NYC-based hedge fund specializing in mathematical modeling. Bezos understood that there is no risk-free route to dream fulfillment. What risk do you need to accept to fulfill your dream? What do you need to do today to start down that road?  
  2. “Regret minimization framework”—When Bezos was trying to decide whether to leave his job at Shaw, he created the Regret Minimization Framework to help him work through the issues. He had the full support of his wife. That made the decision both easier and more challenging. He felt the weight of the decision, but he also understood that most of his fears were short-term. He wanted to think further out. So, he decided to project himself forward to the age of 80 and then ask himself this question. “If I look back on my life, will I regret not doing this?” Ultimately, he decided that the window to get in on the information revolution was a narrow one, and he needed to act now. So, he did. He quit his job at Shaw, walked away mid-year (which meant forfeiting his annual bonus), moved to Seattle to cut expenses, and poured himself into his dream. The rest is history. How do you view the issue of regrets? Is there anything you wish you would have done that you didn’t? When you’re 80, will you feel good about the choices you’re making today?
  3. Get plenty of sleep—Bezos is religious about getting eight hours of sleep a night. I don’t think I have any Fortune 500 CEOs reading my blog, but I know plenty of people who lead small to medium-sized organizations. Many of these friends believe they are too busy to get more than 5-6 hours of sleep a night. According to Bezos, if that’s the case, you’re not managing yourself or your company well. The importance of sleep cannot be overstated. Dr. Harneet Walia of the Cleveland Clinic argues that adults between 18-65 need 7-9 hours of sleep a night. The costs are high when we habitually deprive ourselves of sleep. Some of the short-term issues associate with sleep deprivation are a lack of alertness, excessive daytime sleepiness, impaired memory, relationship stress, poor quality of life, and the increased likelihood of being involved in an automobile accident. All of these will negatively affect your ability to care for people and/or lead the organization you lead. Getting enough sleep never happens by accident. You have to be intentional. Bezos is–you should be too. How are you doing in this crucial area of life? If you aren’t getting enough sleep, what do you need to change?
  4. Make a small number of high quality-decisions each day—Bezos gets up early but never takes meetings before 10 A.M. He argues that many leaders get involved in decisions that don’t need their input. This approach takes up mental and emotional energy while also disempowering those under you in the organization. Bezos says he’s happy if he makes three high-quality decisions a day. These decisions usually flow out of what he calls “High IQ” meetings (more on that below). Are you limiting yourself to making decisions that only you can make? What do you need to give away?
  5. Obsess over customers—If you lead in an organization, you have “customers.” You may not think of them that way, but there’s a group of people you are tasked to serve. Bezos rightly understood that without customers, Amazon didn’t have a reason for being. We often forget this. We think, “What’s best for us?” or “What’s best for the organization?” According to Bezos, these are the wrong questions. He argues that what’s best for the customer is what’s best for the company. Who are your “customers?” Do your decisions put them first? If not, what needs to change to move your focus to where it needs to be? Have you made it public who you see as your primary stakeholder? There is accountability in making this public.
  6. Innovate. Then innovate some more—Nothing remains static. In a fast-moving environment, you’re advancing or declining. Advancement requires innovation, and in the words of Marshall Goldsmith, “What got you here won’t get you there.” Amazon was rated the best-managed company in America in 2019 by the Drucker Institute. It was innovation that pushed the company past Apple—their historical rival in the tech space. Interestingly, while Amazon fills more patent applications than other tech companies, it also abandons more patent applications than anyone else. This fact demonstrates its willingness to sacrifice “sacred cows.” Innovation not only includes adopting what moves us forward, but it also includes abandoning what might be holding us back. According to Missio Nexus, “Legacy ministry models, financial pressures, the pace of change, and even success conspire against innovation.” How innovative is your team? Are there people you need to bring onto the team to increase your “innovation quotient?” Conversely, what do you need to abandon today?
  7. Embrace failure (not to be confused with executing poorly)—In the book, Invent and Wander: The Collected Writings of Jeff Bezos, we find an excellent example of what he means (and doesn’t mean) by embracing failure. He states, “If we build a new fulfillment center and it’s a disaster, that’s just bad execution. But when we are developing a new product or service or experimenting in some way, and it doesn’t work, that’s OK. That’s great failure.” I think sometimes we’re too quick to overlook poor execution while unwittingly embracing the fear of failure. Innovative organizations are willing to fail. Well-run organizations are committed to excellence, so when they execute poorly, they fix the problem, learn from their mistake, and do their best to avoid the same mistake in the future. Have you created a culture that tolerates poor execution? What do you do to ensure that you learn from your mistakes? Are you willing to fail in the right areas? What are you doing to create a “failure-friendly environment?”
  8. Most meetings are pointless. Make them matter—Most of us hate meetings, but they are part of leadership. If you aren’t willing to embrace this reality—don’t lead. However, not all meetings are created equal. I don’t think most leaders hate meetings. They hate unproductive meetings. So, what can we do to increase the productivity of our time together? Bezos requires presenters in meetings to write a memo, no longer than six pages, that is circulated and silently read at the start of a meeting by everyone present. This approach prevents pointless discussion. It also helps presenters refine their ideas before presenting. There is no “winging it” in a Bezos-led meeting. Some version of this approach might make our meetings more productive. What can you do to make your meetings more productive? If you don’t know, start by reading Patrick Lencioni’s book, Death by Meeting.
  9. Ignore the stock market (focus on long-term gains)—Okay, this one isn’t directly relevant to most of my readers as we operate primarily in the faith or non-profit community. However, that doesn’t mean there is no takeaway. The underlying idea behind this point is to focus on long-term advances rather than short-term wins (or losses). To move the organization forward, we will inevitably have to make decisions that interrupt the status quo. Faith communities seem to perform worse in this area than their business counterparts. We operate with a double bottom line. We have to measure financial progress, but we understand that this isn’t our only matrix for evaluating success. Only time gives perspective. It will reveal if your decision to embrace risk and act in a particular way is correct, but it will also disclose the consequences of your unwillingness to act. What do you need to do now to build for the future?
  10. Create a culture of productivity above all else—Finally, and this is a less than positive thought, Bezos created a culture in which employees are often worked to the breaking point. Productive is the “god” at Amazon, where everything is measured. I don’t think this is an approach we should adopt, but I also don’t think it’s something we should ignore. Much of what we do in the church can’t be measured. Jesus had great success with his “top three,” good success with “the 12” (11 out of 12 finished well), but he seemingly failed with the crowd (“From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.” John 6:66). Interestingly, he seemed to be “okay” with this. Jesus loved every one, but he also understood that not everyone would come with him. We don’t see Jesus “blasting” those who left. He knew his calling, and he stuck with it, operating within his sphere of control. Productivity is not an issue we always measure in the faith community. It’s a tension we’re going to have to live with. Do you measure things? If not, you’re probably not being a good steward of those things God has entrusted to you. If you measure things, are you measure the right things? We want to be efficient. We have to be effective. After all, too much is at stake for us to be otherwise.

I hope this article has helped you think through your leadership. If so, I recommend that you take one or two of the areas mentioned above in which you need to improve and develop an action plan for change. So, what are you going to do today to become a better leader?

Several of the big points highlighted in this post came from a Wall Street Journal article entitled, “How Jeff Bazos has run Amazon, from meetings to managing.”

I gathered additional background information from the Wikipedia sites related to Amazon and its founder.

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Something Needs To Change And It’s You

“You can’t get there from here.” How many times have you heard this common expression? I have discovered that many people want to see course-altering change take place in their organizations, but they don’t seem willing to experience the personal pain necessary to make it happen. After all, you have to grow on the inside before you can grow on the outside. Likewise, you have to change inwardly before you can lead effectively outwardly.

Mark Sayers recently quoted his mentor, Terry Walling, on the Carey Neiuwhof Leadership Podcast, saying, “Personal renewal proceeds corporate change.”  I believe this to be true. Most church leaders I know are doing a fine job of responding to the current crisis. Services have moved online, ministry continues in creative ways, and efforts are being made daily to help attendees become part of the community. All of this is good.

BUT…those leaders, and the churches, businesses, and organizations they lead that will come out on the other side of this crisis more dynamic than they entered it, will be those who allowed it to break them–driving them to their knees. 

We’re all praying about how we should respond. Here again, that’s a good thing. BUT…more importantly, we should be asking God to use this to make us who he wants us to be. 

As leaders, we’re often asked to speak to a situation. That’s a good thing, but I want to be the man who spends more time listening to God and less time speaking to people. Only then will I have something to say that is truly worth hearing.

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“LITTLE FOXES” OR WHAT TO DO WHEN LITTLE FRUSTRATIONS PILE UP

What in the world could a conversation between two ancient lovers have to do with frustrations in my daily life? I believe quite a lot.

In chapter 2 of the Song of Solomon, King Solomon’s bride ask him to,

“Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.”

While she was most probably imploring Solomon to watch out for and remove the obstacles to their developing relationship, she highlights a truth that carries over to much of what we do in missions–that is, it isn’t the big “in your face” attacks that derail us, it’s the little daily inconveniences that get us off track.

A couple has cross words just as they are walking out of the door for work. A young professional woman endures another annoying slight from her boss. Your child misses the bus (again). Car trouble (again). An airline strike causes you to miss an important meeting. A stomach bug prevents a young man you met at the gym from connecting over coffee. A husband or wife leaves town to meet with a ministry leader only to receive a call within minutes that his or her son has fallen and broken his arm. And, the list goes on.

None of these seem like “make or break” types of challenges. And, the truth is, they aren’t. However, they can be just enough to cause us to lose focus and miss out on God’s best–especially when they pile up.

When we encounter “in your face” spiritual opposition, we know what to do. It’s clear this is an attack, and we know we need to do spiritual warfare. We pray, we fast, and we ask others to join us as we ask God for a breakthrough. These are the proverbial lions and bears. They’re big, ugly, and hungry, and we know they want to kill us. But, who’s afraid of a fox?

The Bible makes several references to foxes. More than a danger, they’re sneaky and a nuisance. However, it’s these daily aggravations, some more serious than others, that can steal our joy. No, we don’t look for the devil behind every bush. However, it has been my experience (both in my life and in those who I have observed) that the enemy often sneaks in rather than roaring at the door.

So, what do we need to do to prevent the foxes of inconvenience, frustrations, and worries, from stealing our joy? Here are a few suggestions.

  1. Remember that everything is spiritual. This reality doesn’t mean that every inconvenience is a spiritual attack, but it does mean that our reaction to it determines whether or not we will walk forward in victory.
  2. Avoid quick “feel good” responses. Posting something sarcastic on social media or texting a friend, may give you an endorphin rush, but they won’t help in the long run, and they may hurt if your filter wasn’t working well at the moment.
  3. Let worship be your go-to response. Weariness and worry bow the knee to worship.
  4. Stop, drop, and pray. You remember the admonition to “stop, drop, and roll,” as it relates to putting out a fire on your body. Well, put out these fires by taking everything to the Father in prayer.
  5. Make sure you’re properly dressed. The “helmet of salvation” will guard your mind in times like these and the “shield of faith” can prevent those dangerous “fiery darts” from finding their mark in your heart.

By the way, you don’t have to be involved in pioneer missions to benefit from this approach. Wink!

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Pursuing One’s Wife

A sharp young man we know is getting married soon. He’s the kind of guy who takes the right things seriously. In light of that, he asked me the following question. “As I’m getting closer to marriage, I want to ask how you pursue Amy with your busy travel schedule. Also, how has this evolved from the beginning until now?” Here is my reply. Maybe it will help some other young (or not so young) man out there. Spoiler alert: I make it clear that I haven’t always done this well, but I’m trying to get better at it.

“After thinking about and praying over your questions for a few days, here are a few thoughts. There’s nothing profound here, but it’s at least gives you some insight into my flawed efforts to pursue the one I love.

I have always wanted to pursue Amy, though I have done it better at times than others. I wish had made her feel special at the beginning of our marriage the way I try to do today. Regret is a wasted emotion, but if my failures help young men like you—then Jesus can be glorified through my stupidity!

So here are a few thoughts. I did some of these well. Others–not so much!

1. Intentional time spent together with no agenda—time spent walking, talking, asking questions, listening–in short, making her feel valued and valuable.
2. Pray over and practice the lists of 1 Corinthians 13 and the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) in your marriage.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Here’s an example of what I mean.

‘Lord, help me to be patient with and kind to Amy. I can be impatient, and when I get that way, I drift away from kindness. May I be quick to seek forgiveness from you and her when that happens. Keep me away from a competitive spirit with her. Help me to be her biggest fan, advocate and fiercest defender. Help me to serve her in ways where my service adds value to her. Show me how to do this. Help me to treat her in private the way I want people whose respect I desire to see me treat her in public. Help me to speak the truth to build her up, and if I ever need to bring correction, help me do so in a way that demonstrates my own need for growth and forgiveness. And, may I be more concerned about hearing the truth than speaking it.

She’s broken Lord, but no more than me. We came into marriage as two broken people, and that hasn’t changed. We simply know each other’s areas of weakness more now than we did in the beginning. Help me to treat her the way I want to be treated. The world will do enough to beat her down. Help me to be there to protect her and lift her up. Help me to love her and live in a way that inspires respect in her. May love and laughter always be present in both our home and our relationship, and may laughter be a constant indicator of your love at work in our lives.

Make our home a place of peace from the storms of life, and when they come, may we always find ourselves striving to ‘save’ the other. Help me to be kind, and protect me from a judgmental spirit that sees her weaknesses but is oblivious to mine. I want to be good to her. Help me be a student of Amy in such a way as to know how she interprets “goodness” and “kindness.”

Help me to always be faithful to her in my mind, heart, and body. Protect me from the sexual evils of this twisted world. Give me self-control as I resist the enemy and submit myself to you. Finally, Lord, help me to listen more than I talk. Help me to draw out the deep thoughts I knew were there when I was first attracted to Amy. Be glorified in our marriage. Amen.’

3. Have fun together. This is easier before having kids, but make it a priority.
4. Keep the dialogue open at all times. View important conversations as an ongoing dialogue instead of precedent. Circumstances change, and so do people, so let your opinions flex as needed.
5. When you disagree, prevent looking for win-loss, I’m right, your wrong outcomes.
6. Don’t discuss areas of needed growth when you’re feeling the stress of an issue. Those conversations tend to turn into unproductive arguments.
7. Dream together. Ask her often what she envisions for your future together. And, be okay if it doesn’t look exactly like what you think it should look like. The Lord has a way of reconciling these things beautifully.
8. Pray with and for each other regularly. Pray for your wife in your private times and out loud when you’re together. Doing this requires that you ask her how she wants you to pray for her and you giving her the same information so she can pray for me.
9. Be proactive in your discussions about sticking subjects like money, sex, parents, parenting differences, etc. These issues can become sinkholes in your marriage if you don’t healthily deal with them.
10. Finally, look for ways to continually serve your spouse. Honestly, Amy is the hardest working person I know though most of it is behind the scenes. So, I try to do things for her without being asked. Help her keep the house clean, clean up after meals, etc. I’m not talking about a reversal of roles. Each couple needs to figure out that for themselves, and there isn’t a “one size fits all” approach. The keys are service and respect.”

I hope this helps some(one).

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It’s all how you frame it

This morning I’m thankful for delayed luggage, Virgin Airlines, our son, Nabil, and Southeastern University . Almost three years ago, we flew into NYC for meetings over the New Years holiday. It was warm at home (Amman, Jordan, at that time) but cold in the city, so we packed our warm coats in our luggage. Unfortunately, our bags were delayed in London. We were looking forward to our time in NY, but a couple days of walking the streets of our favorite city in sub-freezing temperatures wasn’t appealing. Virgin Airlines to the rescue (It might have helped that I had a high status as the time due to all of the ministry miles flown each year.). We called them to explain our situation, and without hesitation, they told us to go to a store and buy whatever we needed. So, Amy, Nabil, and Emad wound up with new coats, gloves, and some additional clothing (the one time I was sad my bag arrived!). So, delayed luggage turned into a blessing, and Virgin’s outstanding customer service prevented the stress one expects in situations like this. Nabil is now studying at Southeastern University in Lakeland, FL, so he left his coat at our house. This morning when I took the dog out for an early morning walk in the 17 degree temperatures of Springfield, I gave thanks for all of the above.