A sharp young man we know is getting married soon. He’s the kind of guy who takes the right things seriously. In light of that, he asked me the following question. “As I’m getting closer to marriage, I want to ask how you pursue Amy with your busy travel schedule. Also, how has this evolved from the beginning until now?” Here is my reply. Maybe it will help some other young (or not so young) man out there. Spoiler alert: I make it clear that I haven’t always done this well, but I’m trying to get better at it.
“After thinking about and praying over your questions for a few days, here are a few thoughts. There’s nothing profound here, but it’s at least gives you some insight into my flawed efforts to pursue the one I love.
I have always wanted to pursue Amy, though I have done it better at times than others. I wish had made her feel special at the beginning of our marriage the way I try to do today. Regret is a wasted emotion, but if my failures help young men like you—then Jesus can be glorified through my stupidity!
So here are a few thoughts. I did some of these well. Others–not so much!
1. Intentional time spent together with no agenda—time spent walking, talking, asking questions, listening–in short, making her feel valued and valuable.
2. Pray over and practice the lists of 1 Corinthians 13 and the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) in your marriage.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23 ESV
Here’s an example of what I mean.
‘Lord, help me to be patient with and kind to Amy. I can be impatient, and when I get that way, I drift away from kindness. May I be quick to seek forgiveness from you and her when that happens. Keep me away from a competitive spirit with her. Help me to be her biggest fan, advocate and fiercest defender. Help me to serve her in ways where my service adds value to her. Show me how to do this. Help me to treat her in private the way I want people whose respect I desire to see me treat her in public. Help me to speak the truth to build her up, and if I ever need to bring correction, help me do so in a way that demonstrates my own need for growth and forgiveness. And, may I be more concerned about hearing the truth than speaking it.
She’s broken Lord, but no more than me. We came into marriage as two broken people, and that hasn’t changed. We simply know each other’s areas of weakness more now than we did in the beginning. Help me to treat her the way I want to be treated. The world will do enough to beat her down. Help me to be there to protect her and lift her up. Help me to love her and live in a way that inspires respect in her. May love and laughter always be present in both our home and our relationship, and may laughter be a constant indicator of your love at work in our lives.
Make our home a place of peace from the storms of life, and when they come, may we always find ourselves striving to ‘save’ the other. Help me to be kind, and protect me from a judgmental spirit that sees her weaknesses but is oblivious to mine. I want to be good to her. Help me be a student of Amy in such a way as to know how she interprets “goodness” and “kindness.”
Help me to always be faithful to her in my mind, heart, and body. Protect me from the sexual evils of this twisted world. Give me self-control as I resist the enemy and submit myself to you. Finally, Lord, help me to listen more than I talk. Help me to draw out the deep thoughts I knew were there when I was first attracted to Amy. Be glorified in our marriage. Amen.’
3. Have fun together. This is easier before having kids, but make it a priority.
4. Keep the dialogue open at all times. View important conversations as an ongoing dialogue instead of precedent. Circumstances change, and so do people, so let your opinions flex as needed.
5. When you disagree, prevent looking for win-loss, I’m right, your wrong outcomes.
6. Don’t discuss areas of needed growth when you’re feeling the stress of an issue. Those conversations tend to turn into unproductive arguments.
7. Dream together. Ask her often what she envisions for your future together. And, be okay if it doesn’t look exactly like what you think it should look like. The Lord has a way of reconciling these things beautifully.
8. Pray with and for each other regularly. Pray for your wife in your private times and out loud when you’re together. Doing this requires that you ask her how she wants you to pray for her and you giving her the same information so she can pray for me.
9. Be proactive in your discussions about sticking subjects like money, sex, parents, parenting differences, etc. These issues can become sinkholes in your marriage if you don’t healthily deal with them.
10. Finally, look for ways to continually serve your spouse. Honestly, Amy is the hardest working person I know though most of it is behind the scenes. So, I try to do things for her without being asked. Help her keep the house clean, clean up after meals, etc. I’m not talking about a reversal of roles. Each couple needs to figure out that for themselves, and there isn’t a “one size fits all” approach. The keys are service and respect.”
I hope this helps some(one).