Category: Family

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Is It Possible that Sorrow is Good for the Soul?

In the early days of the Covid outbreak, Amy and I had a family member hospitalized on a respirator with an uncertain future. Likewise, at the same time, we had other friends who were fighting for their lives. At the same time, we were dealing with several other emotionally and spiritually challenging issues. Like so many others, we were hurting.

As believers think about suffering, our minds often go to the story of Job in the Old Testament. Any reading of the first chapter of that book will bring a heaviness to your heart as you read about how Job received one blow after another.

Contrary to popular Christian opinion, the Book of Job isn’t about why good people suffer. Instead, the central takeaway from this narrative is that good people suffer, and we don’t know why. This is why we lament. That’s a word we don’t use much in 21st Century life. A dictionary definition of this word is “a passionate expression of grief or sorrow.”

I like to think of it this way. Lament is God-centered, deep grief that balances human emotion and a deep trust in a living God who is actively involved in the lives of His people. Many committed and tenacious disciples worldwide exhibit this sober approach to faith every day.

When we first started our ministry in Iraq, we saw such a joyful response to the gospel that was deeply rooted in an understanding that believers often suffer. These lovely people understood suffering. Why? Because each of them had their own story of deep, experiential pain. The church grew in numbers, but it was also dynamic in faith.

However, after a few years, “normalcy” and prosperity returned to the country. As this happened, that understanding of suffering shrank further in the rearview mirror. The result? The church continued to grow, but the depth of belief seemed to become more shallow as there were many more distractions to compete with the daily disciplines of faith. And, who wants to think about lament when everything is going well?

I don’t pretend to know God’s grand purpose in allowing suffering into our lives and the world. I’m sure there are some people out there that are convinced suffering is God’s judgment on me and the world when things aren’t going well. Others are equally convinced that suffering has nothing to do with God’s judgment. Honestly, I don’t think we know. After all, “Who has known the mind of the Lord” (1 Cor. 2:16). What I do know is that how we respond to the crises we face has the potential to lead us to a deeper walk with Jesus or hinder that process.

We know many people who have suffered much more pain and loss than we have, but we have experienced our share of deep sorrow in other forms. The reality is it hurts. Some of these things happened years ago, but they still hurt. The scars are there and many.  Pain and suffering have driven me to my knees–not always in prayer, but like someone who has been punched in the stomach. What I have learned is that while I’m down there on my knees, my heart grows stronger as I lift my tear-stained face toward a loving God. May we all grow in our faith as we express a God-centered, deep grief for the pain around us, while at the same time holding onto him tightly as our only hope in this storm.

Maranatha!

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Don’t Give Up When Growth Comes Slow

There have been many times in my 60 years of life when I came to the abrupt and uncomfortable understanding that I had a real growth need. At times it was a relational need–realizing I didn’t know how to be a good husband, dad, son, or friend. At other times it was professional as I crashed and burned in my efforts at work. And then there were (are) those times when I discovered I’m not the spiritual man I thought I was.

There seem to be at least three options when I come to these uncomfortable realizations. The first is to deny reality. This one never goes well, but it’s the go-to response for many people. The next alternative is to acknowledge an issue but put off dealing with it. Lastly, we can choose to do the hard work required for growth. I could end here, but you wouldn’t have what you need to move forward. So, let me dive deeper into the second and third responses above.

We waited over a year to see any growth on this plant, and then all of a sudden, it just showed up.
We waited over a year to see any growth on this plant, and then suddenly, several new shoots appeared.

I can think of at least three reasons I tend to put off dealing with a growth need.

1. I’m a natural procrastinator. I hate this trait, but I can’t fix what I can’t name. The good news is that by putting the proper systems in place, I can avoid (mostly) letting my procrastination get the best of me.

2. I don’t have the emotional energy necessary to grow. I don’t know about you, but when I feel emotionally depleted, I discover that my capacity for the hard work necessary for growth tends to decrease.

3. I feel emotionally and relationally isolated, exacerbating my lack of emotional energy. This doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s more like a slow-leaking tire. I don’t give it the attention it needs, and suddenly it is no longer there to serve me.

4. Finally, I don’t know how to fix the problem. This symptom seems to show up when I’m under stress. When I’m in the normal flow of life and work, I quickly go to resources for help. Books, how-to clips on YouTube, podcasts, websites, etc., are my best (non-human) friends. But…when I’m under stress, my brain, which is usually pretty good at problem-solving, can just shut down. I remember once when my wife told me we had a lot of water in the cabinet under our sink. While our house wasn’t new, it was new to us. I was worried about the water ruining the cabinet, creating stress. On top of this, I was working from home during this period, and fixing the yet-to-be-discovered problem would take me away from my work. I discovered a hole in our garbage disposal, made a quick trip to the local Home Depot to buy a replacement, returned home, and went to work on replacing the unit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make heads or tails out of the directions. I’m pretty sure the same person wrote these directions that write assembly instructions for IKEA. You know what I mean if you’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to assemble a complicated piece of IKEA furniture. The more I struggled, the more stressed I got, and the more stressed I became, the less able to come up with a solution I seemed to be. Finally, I stepped away from the project for a few minutes (which probably involved drinking coffee). And suddenly, I remembered that my old friend YouTube probably had a video of someone dealing with the same issue. It did, and within minutes, I was finished, my mess was cleaned up, and I was back to work. When you’re facing a problem and can’t find a solution, the best thing you can do is walk away for a few minutes. This isn’t procrastination. You’re giving your brain space to find a solution.

As I wrap up this post, I want to address one characteristic of the growth process. It takes time. This takes me to the title of this article. When we don’t feel like we’re growing in a desired area, we must be patient with ourselves and the process. Otherwise, we’ll abort the good work of growth we hope to see in our lives. Last year, while on a camping trip in southern Colorado, we found a broken cactus branch. The mother plant was a stately specimen, so we brought the branch home to see if we could give it a second life. It took a few weeks to root, but after a while, it was clear that it would survive. Unfortunately, it wasn’t growing. It survived the cold and snow of a Colorado winter and several hail storms this spring, but surviving isn’t the same as thriving. And then, all of a sudden, new grow shoots popped out all over the original stalk.

Perhaps you feel like you’ve been through the storms and drought of life. You may even be doing the hard work of growth, but nothing seems to be happening. Don’t lose hope. Growth may be slow, but it will eventually happen if you don’t quit.

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“LITTLE FOXES” OR WHAT TO DO WHEN LITTLE FRUSTRATIONS PILE UP

What in the world could a conversation between two ancient lovers have to do with frustrations in my daily life? I believe quite a lot.

In chapter 2 of the Song of Solomon, King Solomon’s bride ask him to,

“Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.”

While she was most probably imploring Solomon to watch out for and remove the obstacles to their developing relationship, she highlights a truth that carries over to much of what we do in missions–that is, it isn’t the big “in your face” attacks that derail us, it’s the little daily inconveniences that get us off track.

A couple has cross words just as they are walking out of the door for work. A young professional woman endures another annoying slight from her boss. Your child misses the bus (again). Car trouble (again). An airline strike causes you to miss an important meeting. A stomach bug prevents a young man you met at the gym from connecting over coffee. A husband or wife leaves town to meet with a ministry leader only to receive a call within minutes that his or her son has fallen and broken his arm. And, the list goes on.

None of these seem like “make or break” types of challenges. And, the truth is, they aren’t. However, they can be just enough to cause us to lose focus and miss out on God’s best–especially when they pile up.

When we encounter “in your face” spiritual opposition, we know what to do. It’s clear this is an attack, and we know we need to do spiritual warfare. We pray, we fast, and we ask others to join us as we ask God for a breakthrough. These are the proverbial lions and bears. They’re big, ugly, and hungry, and we know they want to kill us. But, who’s afraid of a fox?

The Bible makes several references to foxes. More than a danger, they’re sneaky and a nuisance. However, it’s these daily aggravations, some more serious than others, that can steal our joy. No, we don’t look for the devil behind every bush. However, it has been my experience (both in my life and in those who I have observed) that the enemy often sneaks in rather than roaring at the door.

So, what do we need to do to prevent the foxes of inconvenience, frustrations, and worries, from stealing our joy? Here are a few suggestions.

  1. Remember that everything is spiritual. This reality doesn’t mean that every inconvenience is a spiritual attack, but it does mean that our reaction to it determines whether or not we will walk forward in victory.
  2. Avoid quick “feel good” responses. Posting something sarcastic on social media or texting a friend, may give you an endorphin rush, but they won’t help in the long run, and they may hurt if your filter wasn’t working well at the moment.
  3. Let worship be your go-to response. Weariness and worry bow the knee to worship.
  4. Stop, drop, and pray. You remember the admonition to “stop, drop, and roll,” as it relates to putting out a fire on your body. Well, put out these fires by taking everything to the Father in prayer.
  5. Make sure you’re properly dressed. The “helmet of salvation” will guard your mind in times like these and the “shield of faith” can prevent those dangerous “fiery darts” from finding their mark in your heart.

By the way, you don’t have to be involved in pioneer missions to benefit from this approach. Wink!

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Pursuing One’s Wife

A sharp young man we know is getting married soon. He’s the kind of guy who takes the right things seriously. In light of that, he asked me the following question. “As I’m getting closer to marriage, I want to ask how you pursue Amy with your busy travel schedule. Also, how has this evolved from the beginning until now?” Here is my reply. Maybe it will help some other young (or not so young) man out there. Spoiler alert: I make it clear that I haven’t always done this well, but I’m trying to get better at it.

“After thinking about and praying over your questions for a few days, here are a few thoughts. There’s nothing profound here, but it’s at least gives you some insight into my flawed efforts to pursue the one I love.

I have always wanted to pursue Amy, though I have done it better at times than others. I wish had made her feel special at the beginning of our marriage the way I try to do today. Regret is a wasted emotion, but if my failures help young men like you—then Jesus can be glorified through my stupidity!

So here are a few thoughts. I did some of these well. Others–not so much!

1. Intentional time spent together with no agenda—time spent walking, talking, asking questions, listening–in short, making her feel valued and valuable.
2. Pray over and practice the lists of 1 Corinthians 13 and the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) in your marriage.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Here’s an example of what I mean.

‘Lord, help me to be patient with and kind to Amy. I can be impatient, and when I get that way, I drift away from kindness. May I be quick to seek forgiveness from you and her when that happens. Keep me away from a competitive spirit with her. Help me to be her biggest fan, advocate and fiercest defender. Help me to serve her in ways where my service adds value to her. Show me how to do this. Help me to treat her in private the way I want people whose respect I desire to see me treat her in public. Help me to speak the truth to build her up, and if I ever need to bring correction, help me do so in a way that demonstrates my own need for growth and forgiveness. And, may I be more concerned about hearing the truth than speaking it.

She’s broken Lord, but no more than me. We came into marriage as two broken people, and that hasn’t changed. We simply know each other’s areas of weakness more now than we did in the beginning. Help me to treat her the way I want to be treated. The world will do enough to beat her down. Help me to be there to protect her and lift her up. Help me to love her and live in a way that inspires respect in her. May love and laughter always be present in both our home and our relationship, and may laughter be a constant indicator of your love at work in our lives.

Make our home a place of peace from the storms of life, and when they come, may we always find ourselves striving to ‘save’ the other. Help me to be kind, and protect me from a judgmental spirit that sees her weaknesses but is oblivious to mine. I want to be good to her. Help me be a student of Amy in such a way as to know how she interprets “goodness” and “kindness.”

Help me to always be faithful to her in my mind, heart, and body. Protect me from the sexual evils of this twisted world. Give me self-control as I resist the enemy and submit myself to you. Finally, Lord, help me to listen more than I talk. Help me to draw out the deep thoughts I knew were there when I was first attracted to Amy. Be glorified in our marriage. Amen.’

3. Have fun together. This is easier before having kids, but make it a priority.
4. Keep the dialogue open at all times. View important conversations as an ongoing dialogue instead of precedent. Circumstances change, and so do people, so let your opinions flex as needed.
5. When you disagree, prevent looking for win-loss, I’m right, your wrong outcomes.
6. Don’t discuss areas of needed growth when you’re feeling the stress of an issue. Those conversations tend to turn into unproductive arguments.
7. Dream together. Ask her often what she envisions for your future together. And, be okay if it doesn’t look exactly like what you think it should look like. The Lord has a way of reconciling these things beautifully.
8. Pray with and for each other regularly. Pray for your wife in your private times and out loud when you’re together. Doing this requires that you ask her how she wants you to pray for her and you giving her the same information so she can pray for me.
9. Be proactive in your discussions about sticking subjects like money, sex, parents, parenting differences, etc. These issues can become sinkholes in your marriage if you don’t healthily deal with them.
10. Finally, look for ways to continually serve your spouse. Honestly, Amy is the hardest working person I know though most of it is behind the scenes. So, I try to do things for her without being asked. Help her keep the house clean, clean up after meals, etc. I’m not talking about a reversal of roles. Each couple needs to figure out that for themselves, and there isn’t a “one size fits all” approach. The keys are service and respect.”

I hope this helps some(one).