There have been many times in my 60 years of life when I came to the abrupt and uncomfortable understanding that I had a real growth need. At times it was a relational need–realizing I didn’t know how to be a good husband, dad, son, or friend. At other times it was professional as I crashed and burned in my efforts at work. And then there were (are) those times when I discovered I’m not the spiritual man I thought I was.
There seem to be at least three options when I come to these uncomfortable realizations. The first is to deny reality. This one never goes well, but it’s the go-to response for many people. The next alternative is to acknowledge an issue but put off dealing with it. Lastly, we can choose to do the hard work required for growth. I could end here, but you wouldn’t have what you need to move forward. So, let me dive deeper into the second and third responses above.
I can think of at least three reasons I tend to put off dealing with a growth need.
1. I’m a natural procrastinator. I hate this trait, but I can’t fix what I can’t name. The good news is that by putting the proper systems in place, I can avoid (mostly) letting my procrastination get the best of me.
2. I don’t have the emotional energy necessary to grow. I don’t know about you, but when I feel emotionally depleted, I discover that my capacity for the hard work necessary for growth tends to decrease.
3. I feel emotionally and relationally isolated, exacerbating my lack of emotional energy. This doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s more like a slow-leaking tire. I don’t give it the attention it needs, and suddenly it is no longer there to serve me.
4. Finally, I don’t know how to fix the problem. This symptom seems to show up when I’m under stress. When I’m in the normal flow of life and work, I quickly go to resources for help. Books, how-to clips on YouTube, podcasts, websites, etc., are my best (non-human) friends. But…when I’m under stress, my brain, which is usually pretty good at problem-solving, can just shut down. I remember once when my wife told me we had a lot of water in the cabinet under our sink. While our house wasn’t new, it was new to us. I was worried about the water ruining the cabinet, creating stress. On top of this, I was working from home during this period, and fixing the yet-to-be-discovered problem would take me away from my work. I discovered a hole in our garbage disposal, made a quick trip to the local Home Depot to buy a replacement, returned home, and went to work on replacing the unit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make heads or tails out of the directions. I’m pretty sure the same person wrote these directions that write assembly instructions for IKEA. You know what I mean if you’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to assemble a complicated piece of IKEA furniture. The more I struggled, the more stressed I got, and the more stressed I became, the less able to come up with a solution I seemed to be. Finally, I stepped away from the project for a few minutes (which probably involved drinking coffee). And suddenly, I remembered that my old friend YouTube probably had a video of someone dealing with the same issue. It did, and within minutes, I was finished, my mess was cleaned up, and I was back to work. When you’re facing a problem and can’t find a solution, the best thing you can do is walk away for a few minutes. This isn’t procrastination. You’re giving your brain space to find a solution.
As I wrap up this post, I want to address one characteristic of the growth process. It takes time. This takes me to the title of this article. When we don’t feel like we’re growing in a desired area, we must be patient with ourselves and the process. Otherwise, we’ll abort the good work of growth we hope to see in our lives. Last year, while on a camping trip in southern Colorado, we found a broken cactus branch. The mother plant was a stately specimen, so we brought the branch home to see if we could give it a second life. It took a few weeks to root, but after a while, it was clear that it would survive. Unfortunately, it wasn’t growing. It survived the cold and snow of a Colorado winter and several hail storms this spring, but surviving isn’t the same as thriving. And then, all of a sudden, new grow shoots popped out all over the original stalk.
Perhaps you feel like you’ve been through the storms and drought of life. You may even be doing the hard work of growth, but nothing seems to be happening. Don’t lose hope. Growth may be slow, but it will eventually happen if you don’t quit.