“Our child is having terrible dreams. These don’t seem like normal childhood nightmares. He describes the presence of evil in his room, and he sometimes talks about things he sees when he’s awake. We don’t want to panic, but these occurrences don’t seem normal. We’re wondering if this has to do with where we live and the spiritual forces here. What would you recommend?” Amy and I heard a similar version of this many times over the years. Our hearts were always heavy when we heard this. The thought of these innocent little ones suffering evokes feelings of empathy for the parents and sympathy for the troubled little one.
I’m not an expert on this subject, so my advice isn’t coming from a professional perspective. It’s pastoral. Likewise, what you’ll find below is far from comprehensive. I’m just a parent who has previously walked this road and has had the privilege of trying to help others do the same. Here are my thoughts (By the way, I’m grateful for the helpful insights of my wife, Amy, and our daughter, Noor, who works daily with small children. This paper is much better because of their input.).
A “Proper” Spiritual Perspective
When I hear about these situations, I assume we’re dealing with a “mostly” spiritual issue. I say mostly because we never have perfect insight, and there could be many factors involved. That’s one reason why parenting is so difficult.
I think a proper path to spirituality sees all things as spiritual, but this doesn’t mean that prayer cures everything. God cares about the internal (i.e., psychological or biological illness) and external (i.e., trauma) causes of our pain. Prayer should be part of any treatment plan for a Christian, but it isn’t the entire treatment plan (See 2 Kings 20 for a biblical example of this.). There are also potential “supra-natural” causes of mental illness (demonic possession and oppression, etc.). I’m going to start with the “supra-natural.” (As a side note, I prefer this term over “supernatural,” as supra refers to something above but parallel to the natural. Supernatural is often thought of as something completely “other.”)
So, first of all, don’t forget the “why” behind the attack. The devil has one purpose–to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10a). The enemy came after Job’s adult “kids”. He wasn’t simply trying to inflict pain on Job. He wanted Job to doubt the goodness of God. It’s important during these crises to find specific times, and build routines if you don’t already have them, to give thanks to God for his goodness. This won’t solve the problem, but it prepares your heart to move forward with the right perspective on life and faith.
Next, don’t under-spiritualize what is happening. When our kids are suffering, we want answers. We want to do something. Depending on your personality and worldview, you’ll either turn to the spiritual or the natural for answers. If your bent is toward the rational, you’ll look for environmental causes for the suffering. If you lean more toward the spiritual, you may discount environmental factors as you look for spiritual causes.
It’s also important that we not over-spiritualize what is happening. What I mean by this statement is that while everything has spiritual ramifications, not everything is spiritual in origin. So, as we pray, we need to ask for wisdom as we seek out solutions—whatever they might be.
Spiritual Battlefields
There is no doubt that many of you live in spiritual war zones. If you lived in Syria during the civil war, you would have expected the physical fighting happening around to affect your kids. You would need to talk with them regularly concerning how they’re thinking and/or feeling about everything going on around them. At the same time, you would be processing your own pain, fear, etc.. The spiritual war taking place around you is no less real simply because it’s generally unseen in the natural. The challenge we face is how do we help our innocent ones without unintentionally adding to their angst.
The early church of Ephesus lived in the midst of a spiritual war zone. Read Acts 19 to get a bird’s eye view of some of the spiritual dynamics at work. There was intense opposition to Paul’s preaching from the Jews, demon possession, a wide scale practice of idolatry and magic, and violence against the believers. At the same time, God was releasing the bound, healing the sick, elevating the name of Jesus throughout the city, and leading many people to himself.
Interestingly, if we read the Book of Ephesians as a companion to the account in Acts, we see Paul’s theological response to the natural and supra-natural enemies. He speaks of the believers being seated in heaven (spiritually) with Christ who rules and reigns above all spiritual powers. There is no sense of fear. There is no “rebuking of evil spirits.” There is an assertion that the believers are to stand victorious in the work of the cross. How do they do this? They do it by fighting, but not the way the world fights. They fight with love, prayer, and service. They daily put on the armor of God. They recognize that we’re in a fight, but that we don’t fight by ourselves. So, as parents facing the assaults of the enemy, we need to make sure that we are equipped for battle, and we need to help our kids learn to do the same in an age-appropriate way.
Parents tell us that they feel like they’re doing all the right things, and most are, but here are a few simple reminders. It’s important to pray with and for your kids. We prayed a lot for our kids, but I wish we had done a better job of teaching them to pray for themselves. I believe in spiritual authority; however, your young children are too young to wield that power for themselves. You aren’t. As their spiritual cover, you have the authority to proclaim Christ’s victory over your house and household. Some people choose to anoint their homes with oil. I don’t have any issues with that, but I think it’s more about the contact point for spiritual authority than it is the physical act of anointing.
The Book of Daniel gives us some (limited) insight into how the natural and supra-natural intersect. Daniel was praying, but the archangel was hindered in his response by the enemy. The only way to victory was perseverance. So…persevere. Persevering prayer is spiritual warfare.
Playing worship music in the home can bring spiritual peace (think of the effect of David’s playing upon a tormented King Saul). You probably do, but if not, you might want to have worship music playing softly in the background as your child goes to sleep.
It’s important to pray for your kids before they go to sleep, but we must remember that “warfare prayer” is best done outside of the earshot of young children. Otherwise, we can unintentionally add to their fear as they don’t yet have the mental or spiritual tools required to process what we’re saying (i.e., “demons,” “devil,” “evil,” “forces of darkness,” “You can’t have our children.”) and the intensity with which we’re saying it. They can easily misinterpret our tone as one of anger at them.
Work with your kids on Bible memorization. Help them learn verses that relate to power and joy in addition to ones that relate to victory over fear. Memorize some of the prayers in the Bible. These prayers are great patterns as your child is learning to pray. Likewise, the Bible is full of “fear not” verses. While these are written as commands, what God is saying is, “I’ve got this. You just need to trust me.” So, trust him with your kids. This isn’t a passive trust. It’s a hope that is tenaciously tethered to the anchor of our faith—Jesus.
External stimuli
Now to the more “natural” side of this. It’s helpful to keep in mind that the spiritual can be exacerbated by what happens in the natural. Below are a few things to think about. These are things to consider and observe but are not meant to put fear in your heart.
Be careful what you let your kids watch on their screens. You may think, we don’t let our kids watch scary stuff on the television. What about iPads/phones? Do you have safeguards on your devices to protect them from inappropriate content? Do you go to restaurants? I assume so. They are full of video screens, and the proprietors are oftentimes less discerning about what they play than you would be. They can even see trauma-causing content on billboards, posters, or at the hands of other children who parents are less protective than you. There is so much visual stimuli these days. Most of it is neutral. Just keep an eye on and an ear out for how your child is processing what they’re seeing and hearing. Be a good listener. Your child may try to engage you in conversation about what they are seeing. Ask non-threatening questions about how they feel when they see these things.
Therapists suggest bedtime routines that are light and happy. Keep in mind that some of our Bible stories and Bible storybooks deal with mature victory themes. That’s good but probably better read during the day.
I love C.S. Lewis, but I’m not sure how little ones process the idea of the “white witch.” I’m not suggesting you not read this type of thing to your child–just do it when you can also talk with them about what they’re hearing. Ask lots of questions, and take the time to let them respond. As a side note, I’m probably sensitive to this as we have children who struggled with auditory processing. This means they came away with different interpretations of what was said than the speaker’s intent.
Finally, be careful about who cares for your kids in childcare, during meetings and small groups, at church, at the gym, etc. They may not be bad people, but they may not share your values and worldview.
Dreams and Nightmares
The Cleveland Clinic states that 10-50% of kids aged 3-6 have nightmares that are bad enough to disturb parents. One source said that nightmares are more common in kids with strong imaginations. We have known of kids in their mid-teens that would come into their parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, shaking and crying as a result of nightmares so vivid that they “felt real.”
It’s good to process your kids’ nightmares with them, but it’s best to do it the next day. Try to determine if there might be a theme. If there is, talk with them about that. Doing so through play is often a helpful way to get children to open up. In the moments immediately following the dream, pray for the child, snuggle them, and offer comfort. You may even want to let them hold a favorite stuff animal that brings joy, and encourage them to go back to bed. Your children are still developmentally growing in their understanding of the Holy Spirit as a Comforter, but this can serve as a tangible example of how the Spirit comforts us in our troubles (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). You may want to spend time praying afterward. Night lights can be useful on a dim setting if the child requests it, and bedroom doors may be left open, reassuring your child that the home is safe and that you’re there for security. And, of course, Jesus is there.
The Cleveland Clinic offers these additional helpful insights in helping parents understand “when nightmares aren’t just nightmares.”
-when they increase in frequency or become worse
-when fear related to the nightmares interrupts daytime activities
-when nightmares become very distressing, repetitious, or psychological issues are involved (aggression, depression, hearing voices/sounds, seeing “things” during the day, etc.)
As your child grows and changes, you will want to continue your awareness and alter your responses with information that is age appropriate and reflective of your child’s maturity.
One final note, keep in mind that many medications are known to cause bad dreams. Likewise, if your child has additional ongoing psychological or behavioral challenges, you should consider seeking out the counsel of a therapist with a compatible worldview.
How Your Child’s Personality Factors Into This
Lastly, you may have a child that is sensitive by nature. This personality trait may make him or her more vulnerable to fear and other negative emotions (If you’re interested, you can research HSP—Highly Sensitive Person. Here’s a test to see if your child is https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/). This sensitivity may also enable your child to be more in tune with, aware of or sensitive to the pain of others, and that’s a good thing as compassion is an attribute of God. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We must teach our kids to harness their strengths and help disciple them in the areas of their vulnerabilities.
Conclusion
You’re doing the right thing to be concerned, but don’t panic. I’m sure this wears on you. I want to encourage you to lay your parental concerns for your child before the Lord. Ask for his wisdom and guidance in addressing the needs of your children as individuals.
“Do not fear. Your loving heavenly Father has this. He cares for your child more than you ever will. Now, claim your authority and stand on that victory until you see it manifested in the natural. It may take time, but victory belongs to those who prevail.”